Day 45 – Buried Dreams

This is one post that I am a little disappointed that I’m getting to a week before I should be getting to it – Feb. 14 – the Valentine’s Day post.

“Today is the day to set aside for love, a perfect occasion for going within and glancing back with affection and understanding at your real life journey so far…Today is a day for being. Be with those you love, be kind to yourself. Be quiet and call forth the dream you buried long ago. The ember is still glowing in your soul. see it in your mind, hold it tenderly in your heart.”

Too true, SBB, too true. It is today…or Feb. 14…the day to appreciate where I am at… no matter how long, imperfect, or messy the journey was.

I know I am ok today because of the path I took to get there. For the experiences that I have had to take or wanted to take…they have all shaped me and led me to where I am. And for that I am grateful.

I also don’t want to forget the good things that have come out of the past – my ex’s daughters, my ex’s amazing extended family – all of the people who showed me love, compassion and helped me build a life that I was happy in…at least that part of it. It was that love, support and joy that helped lessen the bad and brought joy to the day-to-day. They were definitely the very good – the best of good – that I was encountering with the bad. There is no right way or wrong way to end something. I fear that I probably bungled the way that it ended – the way that i cut ties or lost ties with the parts that were the best parts of that time. For those who I negatively affected – I am so sorry. You were the best parts. You were the ones that made me grow up, that gave meaning to that time, and helped shape me to who I am today.

I didn’t have the capacity to be able to hold onto those good things to be able to move forward. I wish I had been strong enough to…but I couldn’t. If I had held on…I would have likely moved backwards. And I couldn’t live like that any more.

I guess this is my second chance…my ability to do things right. To lead myself…and to journey forward with an equal partner. Too much in that past life, I compromised on my dreams and wants, because they didn’t fit in with what was now my existence. I was ok with that…and in most ways, I’m ok with those decisions. But now is my opportunity to have a blank slate and to build that future with my husband, my equal, supportive partner. I see motherhood, a warm house, a chorus of happy voices….and I know that is what I’ve wanted all along. The circumstances weren’t right the first go-around…but it is because of those experiences that I’ll be able to get to them this time. Or have a fighting chance.

And for that – for helping make all of this possible, I cannot thank you enough. I only hope that I haven’t made things too much worse.

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